A right lil’ devil, ‘e is!

Have I confessed my love for Gordon Ramsay yet? It’s a complicated love story, what with him being married and Scottish and all. But the minute I hear one of his “fuckin’ ‘ell”s or “dear oh dear”s, I’m smitten like a tween in the front row of a Jonas Brothers concert. I co-run a website dedicated to him, and have in fact met him once (got around that pesky restraining order, I did!*) Just to show you how much I love all things Ramsay, let me share with you these three spot-on Gordon impression videos… played by an 8-yr old  boy.  (Courtesy of LittleGordon.com)

(*By the way, that bit about the restraining order is a joke. Just to be clear. :p)

 

Sarah Palin and White Privilege

From The Field Negro-

~By Tim Wise ~

“For those who still can’t grasp the concept of white privilege, or who are constantly looking for some easy-to-understand examples of it, perhaps this list will help.

White privilege is when you can get pregnant at seventeen like Bristol Palin and everyone is quick to insist that your life and that of your family is a personal matter, and that no one has a right to judge you or your parents, because ‘every family has challenges,’ even as black and Latino families with similar ‘challenges’ are regularly typified as irresponsible, pathological and arbiters of social decay.

White privilege is when you can call yourself a ‘fuckin’ redneck,’ like Bristol Palin’s boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone messes with you, you’ll ‘kick their fuckin’ ass,’ and talk about how you like to ‘shoot shit’ for fun, and still be viewed as a responsible, all-American boy (and a great son-in-law to be) rather than a thug.

White privilege is when you can attend four different colleges in six years like Sarah Palin did (one of which you basically failed out of, then returned to after making up some coursework at a community college), and no one questions your intelligence or commitment to achievement, whereas a person of color who did this would be viewed as unfit for college, and probably someone who only got in in the first place because of affirmative action.

White privilege is when you can claim that being mayor of a town smaller than most medium-sized colleges, and then Governor of a state with about the same number of people as the lower fifth of the island of Manhattan, makes you ready to potentially be president, and people don’t all piss on themselves with laughter, while being a black U.S. Senator, two-term state Senator, and constitutional law scholar, means you’re ‘untested.’

White privilege is being able to say that you support the words ‘under God’ in the pledge of allegiance because ‘if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it’s good enough for me,’ and not be immediately disqualified from holding office–since, after all, the pledge was written in the late 1800s and the ‘under God’ part wasn’t added until the 1950s–while believing that reading accused criminals and terrorists their rights (because, ya know, the Constitution, which you used to teach at a prestigious law school requires it), is a dangerous and silly idea only supported by mushy liberals.

White privilege is being able to be a gun enthusiast and not make people immediately scared of you.

White privilege is being able to have a husband who was a member of an extremist political party that wants your state to secede from the Union, and whose motto was ‘Alaska first,’ and no one questions your patriotism or that of your family, while if you’re black and your spouse merely fails to come to a 9/11 memorial so she can be home with her kids on the first day of school, people immediately think she’s being disrespectful.

White privilege is being able to make fun of community ogrganizers and the work they do–like, among other things, fight for the right of women to vote, or for civil rights, or the 8-hour workday, or > an end to child labor–and people think you’re being pithy and tough, but if you merely question the experience of a small town mayor and 18-month governor with no foreign policy expertise beyond a class she took in college–you’re somehow being mean, or even sexist.

White privilege is being able to convince white women who don’t even agree with you on any substantive issue to vote for you and your running mate anyway, because all of a sudden your presence on the ticket has inspired confidence in these same white women, and made them give your party a ‘second look.’

White privilege is being able to fire people who didn’t support your political campaigns and not be accused of abusing your power or being a typical politician who engages in favoritism, while being black and merely knowing some folks from the old-line political machines in Chicago means you must be corrupt.

White privilege is being able to attend churches over the years whose pastors say that people who voted for John Kerry or merely criticize George W. Bush are going to hell, and that the U.S. is an explicitly Christian nation and the job of Christians is to bring Christian theological principles into government, and who bring in speakers who say the conflict in the Middle East is God’s punishment on Jews for rejecting Jesus, and everyone can still think you’re just a good church-going Christian, but if you’re black and friends with a black pastor who has noted (as have Colin Powell and the U.S. Department of Defense) that terrorist attacks are often the result of U.S. foreign policy and who talks about the history of racism and its effect on black people, you’re an extremist who probably hates America.

White privilege is not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when asked by a reporter, and then people get angry at the reporter for asking you such a ‘trick question,’ while being black and merely refusing to give one-word answers to the queries of Bill O’Reilly means you’re dodging the question, or trying to seem overly intellectual and nuanced.

White privilege is being able to claim your experience as a POW has anything at all to do with your fitness for president, while being black and experiencing racism is, as Sarah Palin has referred to it, a ‘light’ burden. And finally, white privilege is the only thing that could possibly allow someone to become president when he has voted with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time, even as unemployment is skyrocketing, people are losing their homes, inflation is rising, and the U.S. is increasingly isolated from world opinion, just because white voters aren’t sure about that whole ‘change’ thing. Ya know, it’s just too vague and ill-defined, unlike, say, four more years of the same, which is very concrete and certain.

White privilege is, in short, the problem.”

Out of all those great points, I do have to admit the one that really gets on my last nerve is this whole “if it’s good enough for the founding Fathers” nonsense. Even as a non-American, I know the “under God” bit wasn’t even in the original Constitution, you twit.

 

Wish away the nightmare

… which was totally the opposite of what I thought at the Radiohead concert I went to on the 15th in Toronto!  Amazing show, interesting set list:

01. 15 Step
02. Reckoner
03. Optimistic
04. There There
05. Morning Bell
06. All I Need
07. Pyramid Song
08. Arpeggi
09. The Gloaming
10. A Wolf At The Door
11. Faust Arp
12. No Surprises
13. Jigsaw Falling Into Place
14. Idioteque
15. Climbing Up The Walls
16. Nude
17. Bodysnatchers

Encore1
18. Like Spinning Plates
19. Videotape
20. Airbag
21. Talk Show Host
22. Street Spirit

Encore 2
23. House of Cards
24. Planet Telex
25. Everything In Its Right Place

Note the exclusion of “Karma Police” and “Paranoid Android”.  But we got “Street Spirit”!  We had section 201 Row G seats which were great; we were pretty much had a clear straight view of Johnny Greenwood.  I left with a newfound impression of him, as I watched him more than Thom Yorke, and he was brilliant and the stuff he was doing was magnetic.

Shirts were $40, so I didn’t buy one (the shirt was half the price of the ticket, when you think about it).  But it was awesome, nonetheless.

In honour of a great band and a great concert, I give you a great fan video for the song “The Gloaming”.  It’s probably made its rounds, but I can’t resist posting it here.

 

The David Beckham Ripple Effect

Got to watch the MLS All-Star Game last night, which took place between the aforementioned MLS All-Stars and West Ham United of the English Premier League. This was David Beckham’s second year being voted in, though it was his first to play, as he missed last season’s game with an injury. Naturally, the crowd and media went wild. During the game, even the commentator went so far as to hail Beckham as the man who pulled North American soccer up from near-obscurity and gave it to the mainstream fan. Well, I don’t know about that- I suspect there are statistics that might refute that to some degree. The thing is, I do think he has the ability and the potential to change the game in a huge way; but if/when the time comes, few may give him the credit.

Here’s the thing: back in the day, kids in Canada who played hockey wanted to grow up to be Wayne Gretzky or Steve Yzerman or Mario Lemieux. Kids of those kids (who are now adults) want to be Sidney Crosby or Alexander Ovechkin. Any kids with basketball aspirations wanted to be Magic Johnson or Michael Jordan or John Stockton. (Okay, maybe not Stockton- he may have only been my favourite!) Their kids now want to be LeBron James or Kobe Bryant or Carmelo Anthony. I could do the same for football and baseball. Those names have become ingrained through TV, magazines, and merchandise.

What about soccer? Name me 5 MLS players. Landon Donovan? Freddie Edu (who’s not even playing in the MLS anymore)? Brian McBride (who left to play in the EPL, then came back again)? Anyone outside of regular soccer crowd even know those names? Is there a six-year old who knows?  Well, there’s one name a six-year old knows now- David Beckham.  He can get the jersey and run down the pitch dreaming of curling one in to win it all. The glory, the talent and the fame all wrapped up in one sporting icon- THE sporting icon of his particular sport.

What I find immensely interesting is that for all the talk/hope of Beckham “saving” soccer in North America, all the thoughts have been of an immediate gratification- this idea that his arrival will change it all right now. (Perhaps it’s partly because we’ve become so reliant on immediate gratification- we need the job done now, the coffee served now, the meal cooked now, etc.) I don’t think it’s possible, despite the hopes of Beckham and North American soccer. But let’s re-evalute things a decade from now, when these six, seven, eight year olds who now have an aspiration to strive for, an idol to become, grow up. Then, perhaps, we can fairly pass judgment on Beckham’s legacy in North America. I think we might be surprised to find it’s more defining than any of us dared to dream.

 

A Bond by any other name

Just a bit of background about me, first. I’m not old enough to be an original James Bond fan. I think the first Bond movie I remember seeing was “Moonraker” at the drive-in my father used to work at. I was about 8 years old at the time. (The fact that “Moonraker” was the first Bond movie I saw, and I still became a fan says something! I don’t know what, but something.) So I grew up with Roger Moore being my generational James Bond. And yet to me, even back then, he was Simon Templar first, James Bond second. I guess that speaks a lot about the influence my father had on my TV/movie tastes growing up. He, of course, was a Sean Connery man. No one could ever be as good as Connery. No one. It’s a shame my father didn’t live long enough to see Daniel Craig. Though I’m sure he would have found something not on par with Connery, I think maybe deep down, he would have liked him.

Anyway, I went through the Roger Moore era (missed the previous George Lazenby one-shot), the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it Timothy Dalton vignette, and the never-too-late-to-be-Bond Pierce Brosnan decade. (For those who don’t follow the Bond history, Pierce Brosnan was actually meant to take over the role back when he thought his TV show, “Remington Steele” was being cancelled. The story goes, the producers of the show heard the news and thought it would be great publicity for the show to keep him on another year. It didn’t help the ratings and it certainly didn’t help Brosnan, who had to wait ten years to get another chance to play Bond. Somewhere, I still have the People magazine cover with Brosnan on it, with the tag, “Take this job and shove it”.) Then came Daniel Craig.

I had to be reminded he was in “Layer Cake”, a movie I had seen but forgotten. This was going to be the new Bond? Wow. I was intrigued. (Keep in mind, I’m one of the 4 people who actually liked Timothy Dalton.) Interestingly enough, I was intrigued for the same reasons naysayers were bitching about the choice. Too blonde, too blue-eyed, too short, too thugish. A website created solely to bash the actor made the magazines no doubt because of the simple fact that it was outlandish in its purpose- imagine bashing someone before a single frame had been made public. It’d be like going into a Gordon Ramsay restaurant and saying the bass is too salty before you’ve even ordered. (And yes, they’re still nattering on about how miscast he is, how they’re not haters just real fans, etc., etc.) The venom was so hateful that I vowed there and then, without having seen a single frame myself, to go in the opposite direction- I was going to like this guy if it killed me. :p (Fortunately, after the steaming pile of “Die Another Day”, anything short of casting Rowan Atkinson was a step up.) Luckily, I didn’t have to work that hard. “Casino Royale” was amazing, energetic and a breath of fresh air to a franchise that had run out of steam. I mean, after you’re given a horrible Halle Berry CGI 200-foot back dive and an invisible car, where do you go from there??

Where do you go? All the way to the bank, baby!

• Best 1st weekend in the UK for a Bond flick, beating “Die Another Day” by 46%;
• top 3 all-time UK opening weekends;
• earned more in its 1st 2 weeks in the UK than “Die Another Day”‘s entire UK run;
• 6th highest grossing film in the UK, all-time;
• highest grossing Bond film worldwide, ever;
• final worldwide box office total $6 million shy of $600 million -source

Of course, the real test was not in the first DC-as-Bond movie, but in the second. The first one couldn’t go anywhere but up, considering the pre-release criticism of Daniel Craig. (And to be fair to the anti-DC-as-Bond website, they weren’t the only ones with their sticks out.) Very, very few expected it to do well, and even fewer expected it to be fucking AMAZING. :p I think in their heart of hearts, even those associated with the film would have been happy had it simply not bombed. Now, that same pressure must be building, but magnified by nearly 600 million and the same naysayers who are dying to say, “I told you so!”  I imagine that first weekend will involve lots of alcohol for those directly involved!

All this runaround to get to the point of this post- the official trailer for “Quantum of Solace” came out today! I’ll tell you this much- whatever it makes, they’ve got my money.

 

Deli-related, but not meat-related!

Meant to post about this last week, as it happened on Saturday, June 8th.  We had a mandatory staff meeting about two weeks prior (so around May 22nd) for a Health & Safety thing.  We were there for about 40 minutes.  We were paid for 40 minutes.

However…  according to the Ontario Employment Standards Act, (Reg. 285, Sec. 5, Sub.Sec.7), any employee brought in to an unscheduled shift (mandatory staff meetings fall under this banner- I called the Labour Board to make sure) is required to be paid a minimum of three hours.  So, I printed out this regulation, made a copy and brought both to work.  I gave one to the Human Resources girl who assured me she’d look into it, and I posted the copy on the deli staff board, to make sure the girls who qualified for this law knew their rights.  Boy, did I hear it from the store manager on Saturday!  Paraphrased, but as close as I can recall, this is how the conversation went:

Store Manager: You can’t put that on the board; it’s a violation of the Employee Handbook regulations.  You can’t post bills.

Me: Even if it’s the labour law?

SM: You can’t.

M: These girls need to know their rights because obviously no one is looking out for them.

SM: Why didn’t you just bring it to our attention?

M: I did.  I gave it to (Human Resource girl).

SM: And doing that, you didn’t think once it was brought to our attention that we would fix it for everybody?

M: No.

SM (taken aback): Really?

M: Yeah, really.

SM: Well, we’re looking into it.

M: Really?

SM: Yeah, really.  Besides, there was no need to make a big issue out of it.  You were the only one it affected.

(The implication being, students don’t get the benefit, which is true.  However, there are at least four other girls who may be students, but their age qualifies them for adult wages.  Thus, they are entitled to the three hours pay, just as I was.)

M: What about (I list the four girls’ names.)

SM: Well… we’re taking care of it.

M: Just like you’re taking care of the time clock discrepancy?

SM: We’re looking into that.

M: So you’re taking all the time cards of the 12 months (they’re required to keep them for auditing) and seeing how much money everyone was ripped off?

SM: Well, like I said at the meeting, the time cards are your responsibility.  You guys are responsible for making sure they add up to the hours on the schedule.

M: How are we responsible?  We’re told to punch in and out because we assume the time clock is meant to keep track of our hours.  These kids aren’t going to look at their paystubs and see a discrepancy.  All they care about is the fact they’re getting paid.  Isn’t it the employers job to make sure they’re not ripping off their employees?

SM: They’re not ripping them off.  We had no idea this was happening and when we did, we told everyone to keep an eye out for it.

M: SM, I’ve been here since June and I didn’t find out until December.  It’s not like we’re told when we start working.

SM: Well, we’re looking into it.

M: Really?

(SM doesn’t say anything and just walks away…)

So… I picked up my cheque that same day and lo!  I got paid the difference (3 hours minus the 40 minutes they already paid me).  To the surprise of no one save the people just returning to the planet Earth, the other four girls did NOT get the same benefit.  But I’m sure SM is looking into it.  *eyeroll*  I told the girls they need to speak up, but they’re worried about causing waves, which I totally understand.  I’m only there 4 days a month now, and though I can’t really afford to lose the cash, it wouldn’t cripple me if I did.  So I don’t care how many ripples or waves I cause.  Screw them- because they don’t have any qualms about screwing me.

 

“We can rebuild him. We have the technology.”

As you can see, I’m really, really lazy when it comes to keeping this blog updated (beyond turning people off meat forever!). And this post is no exception. Instead of filling it with my own thoughts and comments, I would like to direct you to an eBay listing for The Greatest Show Ever, a.k.a. “The Six Million Dollar Man”. The seller’s name is squonkamatic and the listing is for season one of TSMDM on DVD. His descriptions are not only helpful, but go beyond the usual blah-dee-blah-blah you get with eBay. Here, with his permission, I give you (the majority of) his listing in all its glory:

(Warning: SPOILERS!!! :p)

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THIS IS AN IMPORTED BRITISH MADE REGION 2 PAL FORMAT DVD BOX SET;
PLEASE FOR GOD’S SAKE PEOPLE, MAKE SURE YOU ARE EQUIPPED TO PLAY BACK BRITISH REGION 2 PAL FORMAT DVDs BEFORE BIDDING. Thanks!!

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THIS AUCTION IS FOR A BRAND NEW/UNWATCHED/FACTORY SEALED AND 100% REAL BRITISH MADE UNIVERSAL HOME VIDEO SIX DISC REGION 2 PAL FORMAT DVD BOX SET FEATURING THE ENTIRE FIRST SEASON OF THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW EVER DEVISED BY MANKIND, HARVE BENNETT’S THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, INCLUDING ALL THREE OF THE PILOT EPISODES IN THEIR COMPLETE “FEATURE LENGTH” FORMS, ALL THIRTEEN OF THE FIRST SEAON EPISODES IN THEIR UNEDITED GLORY, AND WITH NOT ONE STUPID PSYCHIC HOTLINE COMMERCIAL TO RUIN YOUR DAY.

With that aside and in an ongoing concerted effort to completely embarrass every girlfriend past, present & yet to be, let’s see how much of this I can remember off the top of my head …

1. The Moon And The Desert (1973) The first of the pilot episodes is truly one of the strangest television experiences ever devised, a downright existentialist science fiction tale about a NASA test pilot who is literally rebuilt from scrap by a supersecret government black projects group as a test subject for a plan to create the ultimate weapon. Darrin McGavin steals the show as the pushy, no-nonsense and tireless Haliburton official who directs the nameless thinktank, with a somber looking Martin Balsam as bionics pioneer Dr. Rudy Wells, and Lee Majors as a thoughtful, suicidal and effectively brutal Colonel Steve Austin — Watch him snap necks like twigs with his Bionic Kung-Fu Grip during the climactic mission and tell me that doesn’t totally rule. Strange electronic jazz musical score by Gil Melle: Imagine what seven seasons of THIS would have been like …

2. Wine Women And War (1973) This is the second 90 minute pilot episode created to sell the series to ABC, a crackerjack send-up of the James Bond genre as Colonel Steve Austin suddenly morphs into a swank, smooth-talking and bell bottom wearing ace one man government secret project who kind of resents having his would-be boss (Richard Anderson’s perennial Oscar Goldman, making his debut) nose around in his personal affairs. Nucular (sic) terrorism, scantily clad available college aged women and plenty of booze awaits as Steve travels to Jamaica or someplace like that, where the standout event is the bionic golf drive he fires into the stratosphere to the astonished gazes of dozens of onlookers, including a group of Russian spies who think nothing of it. Uber-sexy Britt Erkland guest stars as the (barely) bikini clad Soviet sex kitten slash secret agent who the story just wouldn’t be complete without — For the climax, Steve unilaterally decides to detonate a stolen Polaris missile’s 15 megaton nucular (sic) warhead without warning anybody he is about to do it. Far out!! and one of my personal favorites from the whole run of the show, even if it is all really stupid once you think about it.

3. The Solid Gold Kidnapping (1973) The last of the so-called pilot episodes pits Colonel Steve Austin against an international kidnapping ring stationed out of a mysterious freighter roaming the high seas. Assorted world diplomats are kidnapped and held for ransom, with an international crisis pending unless Steve can help a pretty woman scientist recall the memories of a murdered insider by (get this) having the brain cells of the dead man injected into her pretty skull. This two part episode also boasted the first appearance of the notorious NASA Patch Jacket, an otherwise ridiculous looking garment covered with patches from all the NASA Apollo shots that somehow suits Lee Majors quite well, since he was after all an astronaut. Look for the always slimy John Vernon as one of the crooks.

4. Population: Zero (1973) NOW we are talking turkey: This is the first official episode of the weekly series, a somewhat grim tale about a rogue OSI weapons designer who concocts a sonic disruptor device and promptly holds the government ransom with the threat of frying a small western town with the resultant beams of death. Colonel Steve Austin is dispatched to this locale — conveniently just north of where he grew up — where we are treated to the again otherwise ridiculous sight of Lee Majors dressing up in a NASA pressure suit to walk into the test site and save the day. This is the episode which climaxes with Steve thawing out after being frozen like a bionic popsicle and blowing up the bad guys by throwing a pole from a chain link fence into their truck. Look for cult movie/TV icon Roger Perry as a motorcycle cop who doesn’t know when to keep his helmet on. The episode that REALLY started it all, with fabulous jazz music interludes by the Esquivel Orchestra, believe it or not.

5. Survival of the Fittest (1973) One of my personal favorite 5 episodes of the *ENTIRE* series began the Oscar In Danger storytelling motif where the forces of evil are looking to snuff America’s most valuable civil servant, Oscar Goldman. He and Colonel Steve Austin happen to be on board a chartered military transport that goes down on an uncharted Pacific Island somewhere near Burbank and discover that paid assassins are amongst the survivors, Oscar is the target, and Steve can kill people by throwing rocks at them really hard. Totally cool, suspiciously violent and mean-spirited little episode with a staggering body count for “family hour” television, with guest appearences by the great character actor James McCeacham and the always doozy Joanne Lumley.

6. Operation Firefly (1974) Totally weird “ESP Spies” episode has Colonel Steve Austin join forces with the pretty, firm-bottomed daughter of another one of those wayward OSI weapons scientist who has perfected some form of partical beam based on firefly light (whatever) and gone missing down in the Florida Everglades. Alligator attacks, trippy ESP segments, a killer quicksand trap, and the timeless sight of Steve owning the crowd at a Spanish bar with his bionic flamenco guitar work makes this one hard to beat, with my standout pet moment being the mysterious fate of Frank the boat guide. His boat explodes and the guy is just plain gone, something I still remember making me cry as a little kid. Far out!!

7. Day of the Robot (1974) It just doesn’t get any better than this, possibly the BEST episode of The Six Million Dollar Man ever made. Even my freaking father remembers watching this with us when we were kids — John Saxon makes history as the OSI weapons developer who becomes the focus of a kidnapping plot, with a double in the form of a nearly perfect robot who will naturally do battle with Colonel Steve Austin in the coolest fight to the death EVER on commercial television. Just wait until the doctor hits that red “KILL!” switch, Steve slaps off that fake John Saxon face and all you see is a mass of twisted wires, two googly-lookin’ eyes boggling out at you and the robot starts squeaking backwards and talking like those voices you hear at the end of “I Am The Walrus”: Television’s finest hour!!

8. Little Orphan Airplane (1974) Completely poltiically incorrect little ditty about an OSI operative — who is black, of course — that gets shot down in his spy plane over a disputed region in the “African Congo” (??) and Colonel Steve Austin is assigned to parachute in and teach the local natives a thing or two about who’s in charge around here. Excellent kitsch content contrasted nicely by a pair of Dale Robertson obsessed Dutch nuns (!!) operating a local mission who are both of course secretly in heat for our Bionic Man, the standout lines of the affair being when Steve assures the older of the two he would have used “Gentle force” to assure their rescue, and the OSI soul brother asks of Steve’s repaired limbs, “Do they come in black?” Right. This episode also market the debut of the Bionic Rivet Sound Effect during the sequence where Steve fixes the downed spy plane made whenever he rotates his wrist at superhuman bionic speed — “Gentle force” indeed.

9. Doomsday, and Counting (1974) This is another one of my personal favorites fondly remembered from making me cry as a kid during a horrifying death scene: A rather grim episode set almost entirely underground at a secret Soviet nucular (sic) facility where an earthquake has triggered the meltdown and detonation of an experimental atomic reactor. Colonel Steve Austin is paired up with his former Russian counterpart from the Apollo-Soyuz space missions — played by Gary Collins, who would later make KILLER FISH with Lee Majors as well — and the two astronauts attempt to gain access to the reactor to stop the explosion, save Collins’ fetching Ruskie babushka, and help Oscar to avert another pesky international crisis. This episode marked the beginning of the Steve’s Buddy Bodycount, where every friend or colleague of The Bionic Man’s would die or otherwise suffer horribly while Steve escapes unscathed with the girl. Gotta love having your own show.

10. Eyewitness to Murder (1974) VERY offbeat episode has Colonel Steve Austin — who is an astronaut, remember — assigned to the bodyguard detail for the prosecutor in a mob case after Steve witnesses an assasination attempt using his infra-red bionic eye to finger the killer, played by 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY’s Gary Lockhart. Only problem is that Lockhart has an identical twin brother and Steve’s bionic eye is classified top secret, meaning that this essentially turns into an episode of “The Rockford Files” with instances of what could be called Gratuitous Bionic Displays: Contrived moments added to the screenplay that allow Steve to demonstrate bionic prowess while doing mundane tasks like changing tires or doing chores around the house instead of chasing down Russian double agents and snapping their necks like twigs. Impressive body count nonetheless.

11. The Rescue of Athena One (1974) Tragic, almost horriffic turning point in the series for fans of The Six Million Dollar Man as the star used his pull with the producers to have his trophy wife Farrah Fawcett written into a script to help get him extra tail. Colonel Steve Austin is called back to his old day job at NASA to actually work on a space mission and promptly hooks up with the little blonde flight officer with the cute space suit body, played with dull affliction by Ms. Fawcett whom my older brother always was in love with but I consider only slightly less reprehensible than Paul from the Beatles as far as being a “Fun Wrecker”. I was also a Jacklyn Smith man so this isn’t one of my favorites, though it did start the Bionic Man plot device of the Malfunctioning Bionics, whereby Steve’s government issued limbs would give out to the stresses of situations unforseen by their designers like experiencing weightlessness, being frozen, or having Bigfoot throw things at him. Majors and Fawcett would eventually divorce and he would go on to play TV’s “The Fall Guy”, which was on right after “T.J. Hooker” if I recall correctly … what a life!

12. Dr. Wells is Missing (1974) AKA The Bionic Olympics: Colonel Steve Austin is sent to Innsbruck, Austria to drive around in various expensive sports cars now that his series was a hit, presumably to rescue bionics pioneer Dr. Rudy Wells (played by the prim & efficient Alan Oppenheimer) but really to show off his stuff as the hired goon squad for a nefarious European crime kingpin try to beat the stuffing out of him. The opposition are all 6’5″ and 250lbs or greater, have names like “Yamo” and are played by Majors’ friends Dan Pastorini and Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers), amongst others. Their fight to the death out in the snows of the chalet is another one of television’s finest moments as guys go skidding through the snow while moaning slowed down, reall funny like. This is also the episode that first started to incorporate the Bionic Strength Sound Effect, and the final matchup has Steve brutally killing one of the guys with a flying bionic karate kick even though his government issue arm is put out of action. It’s fun for the whole family!!

13. The Last of the Fourth of Julys (1974) If forced to I would probably finger either this or DAY OF THE ROBOT as examples of the perfect Six Million Dollar Man episode — This time out Colonel Steve Austin is assigned to infiltrate a heavy water facility off the coast of Norway where a budding meglomaniac has perfected a laser death beam that will bounce a signal off a satellite to produce a nucular (sic) sized explosion wherever he wants & holds the world for ransom. Steve gets to vault chain link fences, do battle with murderous thugs, blow things up real good and for good measure is fired out of a submarine in a torpedo as an infiltration method. Violent and hip & with a great femme fatale who he gets to shuck off into bed at the end with a wink at Oscar, this is what Friday night TV is all about and you can even look for EMERGENCY!’s Kevin Tighe as the chattering psychopathic killer computer nerd goon.

14. Burning Bright (1974) Here is a camp masterpiece waiting to be rediscovered: Colonel Steve Austin is recalled by NASA to help advise them on the wayward antics of a brother astronaut who has apparently become space happy, hears computer beeps in his head, talks to dolphins, climbs high tension electrical towers for kicks, is able to think people to death, and has developed a theory that space is the origin of time that vexes even Einstein’s greatest accomplishments. And he is played by none other than William Shatner, who steals the show as the burnt out astronaut who just wants to be fired back up into orbit with Steve and a couple of dolphins to solve the mysteries of the cosmos. Is that too much to ask?? Excellent TV high drama hokum all the way, with a nice somber Steve’s Buddy Bodycount ending, and not the “party episode” it may sound like. Which is what makes it all the more absurd & loveable.

15. The Coward (1974) Grim, violent, sometimes disturbing episode is not just one of the best but one of the most important from the series because we get to look into the life of the Bionic Man and his own personal inner conflict, centered upon the questionable actions taken by his father Carl Austin, a bomber pilot in “the war” who was shot down over Mongolia and bailed out to leave his crew to their fate. Or did he? Colonel Steve Austin is assigned the dangerous mission of scaling a sheer mountain face (with the assistance of George Takei, who is given one of the best onscreen deaths from TV history) to find the wreckage of his father’s plane and hopefully prove the critics wrong. VERY interesting episode populated by no less than four former Star Trek actors/actresses including Takei, but I’ll let you figure out who’s who on your own. A personal favorite episode with a lump in your throat tearjerker ending: Television never had it so good.

16. Run, Steve, Run (1974) The first of the Super Episodes that would plumb up a popular character or plot device from the proceeding season and milk it for all it was worth for a season ending shebang guaranteed to rivet viewers to their seats like a bionic corkscrew — Colonel Steve Austin is sent on leave by his higher ups when they become concerned for his mental state after he imagines a series of attempts on his life that turn out to be tests of his bionic capabilities. Seems that the nefarious Robot Maker from “The Day Of The Robot” has found a new financer, a dirtbag who wants to knock over Fort Knox using an army of bionic robots, and Steve is to provide the blueprints. By taking him apart, bit by bit. While my attention is usually taken by the gorgeous little Red State cowgirl who could teach me to ride anytime she likes, the standout point of the episode is where Steve decides he’d like to try busting a bronco for fun. The look the horse gives to Steve in response to some bionic leg pressure is a genuine laugh and in the end the good guys win, the cowgirl gets a knowing wink from her Bionic boy toy, Steve gets to go fishing, and the Robot Maker sneaks away until next season.

What do people watch on TV these days? I haven’t a clue what would be worth it & create such memories, but to each his own.

DVD SPECIFICS:

- SIX (6) DVD Box Set contained in a handsome foldout digipack storage box.
- English language audio only with no subtitle options.
- Dolby Digital 2.0 Mono sound.
- British certified PG for violence and adult situations that may be unsuitable for or otherwise seem really cool to younger audiences.
- Imported British made Region 2 PAL format DVD set: PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE EQUIPPED TO PLAY BACK REGION 2 PAL FORMAT DVDs BEFORE BIDDING!!
- Interactive DVD menus with full title and chapter access.
- ACTUAL COLDPRESSED REGION CODED RETAIL DVD BOX SET RELEASE, not a bunch of scamjob “burns” we made out in the garage after school using mom’s orange iMac + a bunch of stuff taped off cable TV to cheat people out of their money & hard work; IF YOU LOVE THIS SHOW AS MUCH AS I DO, GET REAL, AND GET IT HERE!

And that’s about the size of it — Pictures are the actual box set (with my name added to the eBay image only to discourage unwanted re-use) still BRAND NEW/UNWATCHED and still totally guaranteed to perform as expected for properly equipped bidders or your payment refunded, no tricks. DUE TO THE SHEER MASS OF GOODZ IN THIS BOX SET THIS ITEM SHIPS AT MY TWO (2) ITEM RATE TO ALL BUYERS REGARDLESS OF GLOBAL LOCATION.

Bidding starts at $49.95; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE EQUIPPED FOR REGION 2 PAL FORMAT DVD PLAYBACK BEFORE MAKING YOUR PURCHASE!!! Jesus …

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I emailed him not only to ask his permission to re-post his listing but also to let him know that if I didn’t already own the boxset, I’d buy it from him strictly based on his write-up. I mean, really, how can you not want to own it??

My thanks to Steve N. (squonkamatic) for his permission, humour, and nostalgia!

 

Chronicles of a deli girl- #24. Overpriced, underpaid

No, I haven’t died due to meat poisoning!  Like I’d eat any meat there that I didn’t take out of the back myself and check the dates!  And no, there hasn’t been a wonderful Mary Poppins change of heart over at Gino’s; they haven’t seen the error of their cheap ways and have given me nothing to write about.  It’s just I’m only there 4 days a month now, so there’s not much for me to write about, though I’m sure there’s still plenty in general to write about!!

I will make note of two things.  First, we are getting new polo shirts as work uniforms.  Black with white striping and the company name embroidered on the left arm.  At the tune of $33 per shirt!!  Are you fucking kidding me??  You know that they buy these shirts in massive bulk.  It wouldn’t surprise me if they bought 300 at a time.  In fact, considering there are 4 stores under their name, and full-time staff will buy more than one shirt, not to mention staff turnaround- they need shirts for new employees in the future-, I bet they buy 500 at a time.  And the cheapest they could get is $33 PER SHIRT??  Give me a break.  The kicker?  Apparently they’re already getting recalled because they’re falling apart after one wash.  No surprise- this place is all about image and woefully lacking on actual QUALITY.

The second thing to note is that we had a mandatory staff meeting about three weeks ago.  Note I said “mandatory”.  This is important later on.  It’s some bullshit Health & Safety thing.  I should have kept the booklet- it was riddled with spelling errors like you would not believe, and someone got paid way more than us little workers to put that crap together.  Anyway… it went on for about 45 minutes.  We got our cheques and I looked to see if we got paid for it.  We did.  The exact length of time we were there.  Well… that’s against the labour law.  I know, because I phoned.  According to the very helpful man on the phone, as well as Reg. 285, Sec. 5, Sub. 7 of the Ontario Employment Standards Act, if you are called in for a mandatory meeting, you are required by law, to get paid for at least three hours, regardless if the meeting wasn’t three hours.  So I printed up the regulation, highlighted the section, photocopied it and brought it to work.  I handed it in to Sarah, the “Human Resources” girl who seemed surprised we didn’t get paid the 3 hours.  Yeah. Surprise!  I also pinned the copy on the deli staff board and told K (who was working at the time) to make sure the girls coming in that night saw it.  The more people know their rights, the better.  Granted, I’m not holding my breath waiting to get paid for the 2 hrs and 15mins they owe me.

 

Darwin was right!

One of the mainstay accusations from people who believe in “Intelligent Design” or Creationism is, “Where’s the link between Homosapiens and apes?”  (Otherwise known as “the Missing Link”.)  If you’re ever asked, I give you-

Carlos Tevez, player for Manchester United.

 

Chronicles of a deli girl- #23. Bet the meat will be there when I get back!

I’m taking two weeks off work at Gino’s so I can get more hours in at my other, better paying job, so alas, I’m sure I’ll miss out on some good bad meat reporting. But don’t fret; I’ve got at few things to report from the weekend:

• 6 boxes of Buffalo Turkey, dated April 8th. (6×2 per box= 12 pieces)
• 4 boxes of Brandt Garlic Roast Beef, dated April 1st. (4×2 per box= 8 pieces)
• Still 7 Light Mortadellas remain, with a best-before date of April 8th.
• Though not outdated, we’ve got 8 boxes of Honey Turkey dated April 25th. I should be back at work on the 26th, so we’ll see if any remains.
• I believe the same goes for the Kentucky Chicken which we are now selling. 6 boxes with 6 chicken in each, dated April 25th or 23rd.

Another note of something that I wasn’t involved in- remember that post I made back in January about the 18 month expired prime rib? Seems we don’t just sell it in our own store. Last Thursday, I saw the re-packager cutting off the expiry label on the box as well as tearing off the expiry label on the meat package, then re-taping the box… an entire skid of it. (9 boxes per layer, 7 layers x 6 ribs per box = 376 18 month old chunks of meat.) And it wasn’t for us; it gets re-sold to some other company. (Boy, I’d love to know who!!) So again, like the outdated Celeste Pizzas we re-package, we also outsource outdated meat. Eighteen month old outdated meat.

Oh, another note, but it has nothing to do with meat. Apparently we’re getting new shirts and aprons in- at the tune of $37 for the shirt and $7 for the apron. Which we the minimum-wage worker have to pay. $37 for a shirt? Who are they kidding?? We’re supposed to get those anywhere from four weeks from now to… September. (Yeah, things are crystal clear like that around here.)